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Counting my blessings
It’s been a funny few weeks. I was feeling on top of the World, I had a successful operation which resolved a long standing health problem just over a month ago. It’s amazing how sometimes you don’t realise how unwell you feel until you actually feel well again. It was like a miracle cure and I felt amazing.
I self published my first book, Growing Invisible, a book of short stories and poetry and sold out of my first batch of books and had to order a second run. It is now on Amazon and available on all Amazon sites across the world, both in ebook and paperback. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Growing-Invisible-Stefanie-J-Lillie/dp/B0B2HRR1XF/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2MZNEATIC8JIU&keywords=growing+invisible+by+stefanie+lillie&qid=1656253682&sprefix=%2Caps%2C52&sr=8-1.
I have had some great reviews, both here on my website and on Amazon. It is a scary thing putting your work out for public scrutiny but I am glad I did as I have learned so much. I made the mistake of listening to my husband when putting a price on the 2 formats on Amazon. the paperback is fine, it is the same price as I charge on the website, £4.99, but my husband insisted I should charge £3.99 for the e-book, I thought this was too much, but he insisted that I should value the work I put into the book properly, we compromised on £3.45, but this still doesn’t sit comfortably with me. I will. go back and change the price , when I get some time to myself.
Of course when you are on top of the world eventually you have to come down and I came down with a bump.
My daughter had been bitten by a dog so I took her to A&E at about 11pm. When we arrived we were told it would be a 3 and a half hour wait, but she had to stay as the puncture wounds were deep and she would need surgery. We wore masks as did everyone else about 25 people, but 3 people were not. they looked very poorly and had obvious signs of COVID. they were left with everyone else in the waiting room. After an 8 hour wait my daughter was admitted to the plastic surgery unit, she was pumped full of antibiotics and had the damage to her hand repaired. I left her and went home to sleep. We have all been very careful to avoid Covid, had all the jabs, stayed away from crowded places, ate and drank outside wherever possible, lots of hand washing and sanitising and mask wearing. To no avail it would seem. 5 days after the visit to A&E I felt unwell and tested positive for COVID. I took to my bed and felt dreadful, sleeping for 14 hours straight. My daughter was next, then my husband and then my daughters children. My brother and sister-in-law also went down with it but it would seem they acquired the infection from elsewhere. In addition I was hoping someone with influence would promote my book, but in the end they didn’t and I was desperately disappointed.
Now I will confess to feeling very down and sorry for myself after all my precautions, what was the point? But of course the point is that it could have been so much worse, my precautions had of course been successful, I could recover at home, I had a comfortable bed and plenty of food and drink. I had to isolate but so what if it meant keeping others safe. I did not end up seriously ill, and nor did any of my family, for which I am very grateful. My book was not promoted by someone in the public eye, but other people have enjoyed it and taken the time to write reviews and for that I am very grateful.
Life is never static and although we think we may want to keep the good times going all the time, without the bad or the mundane, how can we ever appreciate the good. Of course the roller coaster of life is what keeps writers and poets in business, we have to have something to inspire us, to take our readers on the journey we need something sad or bad so our characters can battle against the odds and come out the other side triumphant.
It is a cliche, but it is good to count our blessings, to realise how lucky we are, when we are loved, have shelter, food and safety. So many people in the world right now do not have that luxury. My resolution this month is when riding life’s roller coaster, try to relax and enjoy it. Have a great week everyone.
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My Debut book.
Finally my book Growing Invisible is a reality. I was so excited when I received my sample copy from the printers. To see my name in print on the front cover was just such a special feeling. I came up with the original idea when taking part in a Michael Heppell Write That book Masterclass Zoom coaching session. He suggested that if we put a small book on Amazon it would perhaps encourage people to read the next book. I thought ok a small poetry pamphlet or a short story book, why not both? It was meant as an experiment to see if I could self publish.
I was told that people wouldn’t like the cross over, that they would like short stories or poetry, but not both. My research revealed that there was a small group of writers who were doing both in the same book. Writers much more experienced and confident than me, but they were out there and were selling their books. Writers such as Harmony Kent, Suzanne Strong and Maureen Oliver are selling books in this genre.
I started looking at my previous stories and poems and before I knew it Growing Invisible was born! I edited a few stories and poems and wrote new ones to go in the book, I realised my little book was getting larger and I didn’t want that, so I stopped adding and set about editing and formatting, I designed the cover and had some amazing readers who advised and helped me stay on the right track. I designed the cover, created the book spine (no easy feat) and uploaded everything to the printers. I bought the ISBN number, registered the book. There was a fair bit of swearing and I did reach out to friends who were very helpful.
Growing Invisible is a slim volume as I wanted it to be as inexpensive as possible, at £4.99 it is the price of a glossy magazine and I thought affordable. Now I could have made the font bigger and put gaps between paragraphs which would have added pages but also make it more expensive, which I definitely was trying to avoid.
It has been a huge learning curve, but now I know I can do it. I am hoping to pitch the novel I am writing to an agent/publisher but if that doesn’t come off, I know I can still self publish.
This was a huge challenge for me and one I nearly gave up on a few times, but I didn’t. So what challenges have you faced and overcome? What has made you feel super proud?
I wish you health, happiness and most of all a huge pile of To Be Read books
Best wishes
Stefanie
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Empty Vessel
To you I am an empty vessel
to fill with your woes
Unhappiness, anger and blame
Seep into my brain.
You walk away, sated, ready for another day
Ready to refill your vitriol.
I am weighed down
Hurt and anxious,
holding your darkest thoughts.
Keeping you safe from the sadness
The evil sits with me alone,
Not knowing how to dispose of this heavy load.
As you walk away, lighter and free
The darkness invades my soul
Taking root growing, gnawing,
Diminishing my soul.
No empty vessel for me to unload
I must carry my burden alone.
You are my flesh
You are my blood
Your secrets I must hold
Can I be blamed?
Will I be judged?
Will a deity release me when all is told?
I cannot shed this load,
No one must ever know.
Hope has died within.
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FAT
I feel I have always been fat! Although I know this isn't so, life used to be running and playing, with no cares or woes. Food was to keep our stomachs full, not to nourish our bodies or souls. Always tasty, mum did her best but poverty dictates how well you grow. My body craves childish treats. Eating is an obsession. Feeling proud to eat a protein bar and not a snickers. Maybe I should succumb. A glass of wine, how can grape juice be bad? It will stop me going mad. Gym and swim and long walks in the snow, doesn't seem to decrease the weight burden I have on show. Stefanie Lillie (copyright 2023)
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Fountains Abbey
Stefanie Lillie©2022
Pious Monks of Long ago Haunting ruins, Fountains Abbey, Destroyed by God's foe. Vows of poverty a hollow promise, When living in our Country's richest Abbey. A vast estate seized, satisfying Henry's hate and greed. Sanctuary no more for the county's poor. Monks from wealthy families, fed a pittance once a week. A hearty soup to feed their soul, giving strength to pray upon their knees, undisturbed by worldly woes. Lay monks working in the fields, Rough hewn clothes to show their servitude. labouring to ensure a place in heaven, chair monks reap what they have sown. A palace to God. A Heavenly place ensured. To this day The hierarchy endures.
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Conversation with Grief
Stefanie Lillie©️2022
Was I snappy with you? Did my impatience shine through?
No. You were just you.
Then why aren’t you here?
I didn’t want to go.
But you did.
I know.
I am sad and alone, because of you.
I know. I’m sorry
But why didn’t you try harder?
It wasn’t my choice.
It wasn’t mine either.
You’ll be okay.
No I won’t! I HATE YOU.
I know
I love you.
I know
I can’t live this life without you in it.
But who will remember me if you leave?
Come back
Remember me.
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Mind
Where have you gone?
Why have you abandoned me?
Betrayed me?
We had a deal. Didn’t we?
Have to keep up appearances,
We have to be seen to be in control.
It was easy to convince people,
When I knew where the money was
When I could dress myself
And remember to eat.
No one suspected
No one would guess.
But you go away for too long
Questions are asked,
Suspicion is shown on faces
As I can’t remember where I need to go.
Helpful hands and whispered voices.
“But I know my birthday“ I hear myself cry.
Strangers appearing in my spaces.
You let them in,you have let me down.
I just want to be at home.
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A New Ring
I wrote this poem after I lost a stone from my engagement ring and the jeweller couldn’t repair it as it was so worn. My husband bought me a new engagement ring to replace it. It is the same 3 ring configuration but a much sturdier setting.
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Stefanie J Lillie Author 